The Suit

I work at a wine store, which deals mostly with fine wines, but also supplies the more “economical” hooch (dirt cheap wine) and coolers. We in the industry, or my colleagues Andrew St. Cool, Jerry and I label said drinks as “loser juice”. The reason for this being that loser juice is largely bought out by the people who come in once, twice or even five times a day to buy their daily get drunk treat. The spectrum of loser juicers is pretty broad. At the bottom of this spectrum you will find ones that stand outside our door pan handling until they accrue the 2 dollars they need to buy a single cooler and then repeat. Other ones you would guess have stopped eating completely to fill their bodies with whatever nutrients you would find in an 8 dollar bottle of Almond cream sherry.

As icky as some of these patrons get, on Wednesday a man with a suit and an American Express came in and out grossed all of them. It was a slow hour so when he came in he was alone and under the magnifying glass of St. Cool and myself.

Sweating like a pig in his finely cut suit, he taps me on the shoulder.

Suit: Hey buddy, I need you to get me a FABULOUS wine

Me: Ok, how much are you looking to spend.

Suit: Doesn’t matter I need it to be fabulous.

enter St. Cool

St. Cool: How fabulous do you want it?

Suit: Honestly?... I want her in bed.

St. Cool: Oh so you’ll need high alcohol then.

Suit: Will that work?

St. Cool: oh yeah, should do the trick. So how much do you want to spend?

People often give us really evasive answers to this question, but really it saves us a lot of time. We can get you a good bottle of wine for $13, and we can get you a great one for $25… or $400. The options are endless. The man in the suit chooses to beat around the bush

Suit: Look don’t dog me, but don’t puppy me either.

(What on earth does this mean? please i need to know)

St. Cool: I’ve always been more of a cat person, so you’re gonna have to be a bit more concrete.

(The final Verdict!!)

Suit: Like 28 or 30 bucks.

I wish I had one of those shocked as heck emoticon faces. Not only was this sleaze bag trying to coaxe some woman into bed with his wallet, but he wasn’t even even spending the standard sleaze bag amount, which is $50 dollars for you sleaze bags in training. Cmon!

So St. Cool runs and picks him out a french syrah in his price range, keeping in mind that he wants a wine of at 14 or 15% alcohol and starts to ring him up. The icing on the cake is that when Suit tries to pay with his American Express, we have to tell him that we only accept mastercard or visa. To this he says

Suit: Oh I gave all my credit cards to let her to go shopping with.

The suit then leaves the store sans bottle of high alcohol wine. Hopefully his mastercard, visa’s 3 thousand dollar shopping trip were enough to get him somewhere. Deep down I hope it was the curb.

Dom